6 Ways we self-sabotage (and 6 steps to overcome it)
Updated: Aug 18
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If you are reading this article it may be that you suspect of certain sabotaging behavior in yourself or someone you know, or maybe you are already aware of it and you want to find out ways to stop undermining your success in life. Either way, this is for you.
In this article I'll dive into the theme of self-sabotage: what it is, 6 ways we may be engaging in a self-sabotaging behavior, and the best ways to overcome it.
We all have at some point of our lives enganged in a self-sabotaging behavior. But when it is a recurring behavior, it is very important to get to the root cause so we can finally move on in life and thrive to reach our full potential and suceed in all areas in life.
Because self-sabotage behavior is what keeps us stuck, that's what needs to be resolved in order for us to shine and live a life of wellbeing and happiness.
Psychological definition: Self-sabotage, also known as behavioral dysregulation, occurs when we affect ourselves physically, mentally or emotionally, or when we deliberately choose behaviors that will undermine our personal goals and values.
These self-defeating behaviors may be conscious or unconscious and they come from deep feelings of low self-worth, rooted fears, and/or avoidance of pain. They keep you from achieving success at work, in your relationships and with your overall mental and physical health. Here are some of the most common reasons why people self-sabotage:
Protection from pain or discomfort. When you believe that you must avoid emotional pain at all costs, you take action to avoid those emotions at all costs, even if at your own detriment.
Poor self-image. If you are constantly telling yourself you’re “unworthy", or “not good enough” or if you believe something is not available to you, you'll take actions and behave in ways that support that belief.
Fearing failure, rejection or success. These fears stem from feeling the need to stay in what is familiar and safe and avoiding pain. There is a deep avoidance of change and of any discomfort or pain that may come from it.
Fear of losing control. This is about the belief that you must be in control in order to avoid pain. You may engage in self-sabotage simply to avoid losing control. You feel unsafe if things are not minutiously the way you want them to be.
Here are some main ways we may self-sabotage:
1. Procrastination and avoidance:
When you keep putting off the things that you know are important, either motivated by fear or by perfectionism, this leads to missed opportunities in life and loss of revenue; to anxiety and stress, but it can also lead to serious illness if that putting off is health related.
2. Perfectionism:
This can lead you to procrastinate with fear of not being able to meet your own expectations, but even if you do take action, you are extremely judgemental of yourself and others, with constant search for perfection, which is never reached.
Nothing is ever good enough, and therefore you don't feel good enough, and you tend to put yourself down through the process.
3. Imposter syndrome:
This is when perfectly capable people are plagued by self-doubt. Have you ever felt that you don't deserve your accomplishments? That at any given time you will be found out as a fraud? Do you feel uncomfortable when others praise you? Do you feel like you don't belong or that you're out of place?
The Impostor Phenomenon article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science in 2011, estimated that 70% of people will experience at least one episode of this phenomenon in their lives.
4. Self-harm, eating disorders, drugs and alcohol:
The reason why I put all of these together is because it involves some kind of direct self-harm and abuse of one's body or physical health. All of these have emotional roots to them that stem from not wanting to feel some kind of emotional pain or believing one cannot survive the feeling of that emotional pain.
Food, self-mutilation, drugs and alcohol all work as a way to alleviate the way a certain person feels. It numbs down the emotional pain caused by past trauma, feelings of desperation and depression. These behaviors are extremely dangerous and life threatening which just makes the problem even worse.
5. Negative self-talk and rumination:
In this case, we affect our own emotional and mental health, which with time will reveal itself physically if not resolved. We put ourselves down, we overthink about things that happened on the past or in the future. We repeatedly obsess over how things might go or how things could have gone if we did or said things this way instead.
There can be a lot of feelings of shame, unworthiness, regret and lack of self esteem, and we put ourselves down constantly. We see ourselves stuck in a constant negative loop from which it seems impossible to get out from.
6. Controlling behavior:
A constant need to control every situation can take a toll on your relationships and mental health. It is an all-consuming behavior that may stem from trauma, difficult childhood experiences, anxiety or obsessive compulsive disorder.
The inflexibility and rigidity displayed is often rooted in fears of the unknown and uncertainty of life, or fears that if things go out of control, that may lead to failure, embarassment or some kind of harmful situation to self or others.
Steps to overcome self-sabotage:
1. Commitment and awareness
Once you commit to improve your life, the first step is to become aware and get to the habit of observing your behavior in a neutral, non-judgemental way. When you decide to do something about it, you will be shedding light into what needs to be looked at, and into what parts of you need to heal.
Ask yourself how a certain behavior is keeping you from reaching your goals and challenge the thoughts that originated that behavior. You can find a lot of detailed information on my article "7 Ways to turn your mind into your best ally", for practical ways to challenge negative thoughts and turn to the habit of positive thinking. Consider that article as an extension of these ways to overcome self-sabotage. Make sure you read it.
2. Journaling
Writing things down has a special way of allowing us to see things more clearly. What are your goals? What specific self-sabotaging behaviors do you observe in yourself that are keeping you from achieving your goals?
Be detailed on the exploration of those thoughts that emerge right before a sabotaging behavior and the probable beliefs that are behind it. What stories are you telling yourself that cause that to show up in your life over and over?
Share your reflections with a therapist or coach, who can then give you practical tips for the best way to tackle the issue.
3. Create a plan
Learn about the issue as much as you can and aim to improve every day a little bit, instead of expecting 100% improvement from one day to another. Set backs are ok. Remember that perfectionism is self-defeating in itself! Be kind and compassionate towards yourself.
Ask for help if you feel that it's been long enough and you tried a lot of things. A trained coach or therapist can provide you support and accountability, and lead you in the right direction in your healing journey.
4. Heal your subconscious mind
The subconscious is the language of feelings and emotions. There lays the blueprint we have of life, ourselves and others, and all the beliefs that are the root of our behaviors.
The subconscious can be accessed through hypnosis with a trained professional: there is no better way to get to the root cause of behaviors.
Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) is one of the best ways to heal and reprogram your subconscious mind because through hypnosis, it will get to the root cause of the self-sabotaging behavior and reframe the individual's perspective on past events.
On one hand you have that dissolution of old patterns and on the other hand you have the rewiring of the brain where new useful beliefs, ideas and behaviors will emerge.
RTT is a potent hybrid therapy with roots in the best of psychotherapy such as Gestalt, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Neuro Linguistic Reprogramming (NLP), hypnotherapy and mindfulness. It is a holistic approach with documented results in many areas, especially with self-sabotage behaviors.
Hypnosis is a life saver when it comes to controling your mind and achieving goals in life. It has changed my life and it can change yours.
5. Practice mindfulness
Many self-sabotaging behaviors can be painful to break. Practicing mindfulness every day regardless of being accompanied by a therapist or coach is important.
Learning how to sit with our emotions and feelings is a skill that can be achieved through mindfullness. Allowing a feeling to be felt, trusting the innate resilience in us, makes us develop coping skills for life.
This can be done through meditation practices, hypnosis, breath work, or all of them ideally.
6. Recognize and challenge your Automatic Negative Thoughts. I go deep into ANT's in my article "7 Ways to turn your mind into your best ally", so make sure you check it out and learn how to identify them and how to replace them with their opposite positive though.
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Those are the 6 steps I believe are most effective to overcome self-sabotage. And as I mentioned before, make sure you check "7 Ways to turn your mind into your best ally" as a complement to this article.
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You can't heal what you don't feel. So instead of burying it deep, avoiding it, denying it, supressing it, being ashamed of it, allow your emotions to show you what you need to feel. And feel it... all the way through. Allow those feelings to flow. Allow them to be. Honor them and you'll honor yourself.
The truth is that the emotional pain will not go away until you do it. It will speak louder and louder in the form of triggers and self-sabotage, until you have the courage to dissect it and have a long loving dialogue with it... And only then... it will let go.
Emotions and feelings exist for a reason: for us to feel them and process it. To articulate it, vent it. There's a way out of the pain. The only way is through it. With no judgement but with utter love and compassion for oneself.
That's why it's so beautiful to see the conversations my clients have with their own emotional mind through hypnosis. How transformative and healing it is to finally have that conversation. It is cathartic and it's life changing.
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Thank you for reading and if you liked this content and can appreciate the time and dedication involved in creating it for you, please make sure you subscribe, add the code "Sabotage" and leave me a comment below . I will then send you a 15% discount coupon to use in any of my RTT programs.
Remember, it's ok to feel lost sometimes. But we're not alone. We are all human. You are human. You're not perfect; no need to be. You're enough and you're powerful, more than you can imagine. And even though your mind might lie and tell you other wise... it is safe to feel.
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